Tears are still absolutely essential.
Grief is one of those topics we'd love to avoid if at all possible. Not the greatest topic at work. Not really dinner conversation, "How was your day?" "Oh, I've been weeping all day. It's been utterly challenging moving through the complete collapse of my spirit." Weeping in public is frowned upon... to put it lightly. When I was getting sober I would have these episodes of grief that would overtake me in the most unforgiving moments. Anyone been weeping in public recently? Openly weeping in a Starbucks waiting on your order is a hard one - you can't just run out because you've already put your money down, there's nowhere to hide... so you just end up completely disturbing the people around you.
When I got sober I wasn't really able to identify my emotional states. I was generously angry, but I had no idea. It took a great deal of time to begin to identify my emotional states and then do an even greater trick - effectively communicate them to another person. After the alcohol and drugs (self-prescribed medicines) were removed those emotions were finally available to authentically feel. And I felt them thoroughly, again and again! And after the anger gave way I was quickly in deep states of grief over my life and decisions, over self-betrayal and the cowardice behavior I used to avoid the pain of discipline necessary to solve my problems. I had a deeply hurting heart. So I cried. I cried and I became familiar with tears and the proudly transformative work of grief.
Have you ever met someone who has no idea how to cry? How to grieve? It's hard to see; it's heart breaking. This is on display big time in the 12-step world. Individuals who have spent years and even decades avoiding the pain of tears and suffering and the humility necessary to change. An immense amount of energy is used to avoid suffering. Delusions of exceptional complexity are developed and nurtured to avoid the pain of suffering and the discipline required to see the truth. The avoidance of pain and the discipline required to solve problems - to evolve - is the primary basis of neurosis, of mind/body sickness.
Dr. Scott Peck, in his book "The Road Less Traveled" talks at length about confronting our suffering for the sake of transformation, love, and health. Specifically, he says that we have to develop "techniques for suffering." Delaying gratification and the dedication to truth are two that he discusses in powerfully clarity. I have to add to that list the practice of tears or the practice of grief. We easily slip into disorder when we fail to acknowledge loss. Our grief, our tears are one of those indispensable opportunities to shed pain and connect deeply with our lives. In fact, I don't believe there is any other substitute as powerful for mind/body/spirit healing. Herein is a profound truth about personal power and personal responsibility: no one can cry for you - like they could feed you or clothe you. Grief is more akin to forgiveness or love or death in that uniquely personal way. No one can love for me, forgive for me or die for me - like these, my tears are my responsibility and no one else's; my cross to bear and my healing to receive.
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